it hurts
i need to write out everything im feeling in long form. with work and life so busy, im not getting the chance to process the grief(?).
i dont know how to describe what im feeling and being unable to articulate it adds more uncertainty to the experience.
ali wrote me a bunch of letters, maybe i could write her one myself.
as i reflect, im pretty proud of how i handled this relationship, start to finish. i was communicative and open, even poised when we disagreed.
im particularly proud of the fact that i never ignored her calls and i always called her back. its easy to start to take for granted someone while you have them and i never let myself get too complacent. when she called, i always called her back. if she texted, maybe i didnt respond the quickest, but damn it i responded.
i will do one more thing for her, one last thing. in our time together, ali wrote me a bunch of letters. as i collect my thoughts in the coming week, ill write her a letter and send it to her. not trying to change her mind, just saying thank you.
next time around, when i find love again, i think ill put more effort in. my one regret in all our time together is that i never wrote her a letter that i actually gave to her. i have drafts— lots of drafts. but nothing i ever actually sent or gave to her in person. i know why i was like that. i didnt know if wed actually end up together and i dreaded falling in love with someone i didnt actually have or couldnt end up with. in general, i think i tend to take for granted what i have in the moment. ill do a better job of that, to show effort and love without reservation.
99 - 06/26/2025