simple choices
your day is filled with choices. when to get out of bed, whether you should brush your teeth, whether you should grab your phone, whether you should drive to work or call in sick, whether you should eat oatmeal or a bagel, whether you should try to get a quick wank in before work in the shower, whether you should even shower (some among us seem to be hygienically challenged).
there are, of course, varying degrees of control we have oer those choices. you can choose when to get out of bed but you dont really choose when you wake up. you can choose to shower but not if your water heater is running that day. you get my point, your choices are scarce, limited by reality.
then, there are the choices you have complete control over. you wake up, you can choose to try and struggle to fall back asleep, or you can get started with your day. you can get in the shower, and jack off or you can take a quick cold shower.
choices, actions, reactions.
your reaction to events in your life define who you are. ive found that sometimes when i react, i have self desctructive tendencies. i have a lot of work? oh i sit and procrastinate and do anything but the work. someone pisses me off? oh im passive but do things that arent to my benefit.
i say all this, as ineloquent as ive been, to convey an emotion that surfaced today and how im going to choose to respond to it.
im at the beach with my friends today. i woke up early to get some work done and i specifically mentioned in the group chat (because yeah, sometimes i go and do my own thing) that i wanted to go eat with them this morning. i came to the beach with them for the sake of spending time with them. we’re all growing up, moving away, and growing into the lives we’ve dreamed of.
as busy as ive been, i wanted to make sure i was here with them this time.
a couple hours after i asked them, i opened find my, and i saw they were all at a restaurant without me. that hurt man. on the drive here, the guys come from greensboro had 2 cars with them for a total of 7. we could have split into 3 and 4. and when asked whether they wanted to, no one wanted to go in the car with me. you know, i guess thats fair because i had to work in the car and it wasnt going to be as fun of a ride. i dont blame them for that. and so i just let that go even though it made me a little upset.
those two things in conjunction just made me mad and then upset. that fucking sucks man. it really does.
but you know what, im going to take it in stride. maybe i need to do more to show that i want to spend more time with them. afterall, in college i spent most of the time doing my own thing, i was never really scared of missing out because i was so sure of what i wanted to do in my own time.
dang, this is reminding me of another time when i would beg them to go to the arboretum and they never did but then one day went without me without telling me.
once i can forgive, but a pattern? is that worth really taking a second to think over? maybe i need more friends like me. it could be a compatability issue too, and thats okay. sometimes you can love and adore people but still be incompatible. that’s just life. you accept it and move on.
limerence?
dang coming back to this after a couple hours today. i think im just sad about a question ive had to ask myself: do i really not have a friend that enjoys being with me just for the sake of being with me?
nah i do man. geez owen and scotty. for all his faults man, one of the things i love about owen is that hes for his people 100%. the other day at basketball, he asked to hang just for the sake of hanging out. it meant a lot to me then, and it means even more to me now. thanks owen.
94 - 06/21/2025