self judgement
you are your biggest critic. that rings true for me for sure. at least a dozen times a day i ask myself, how much better could i look? some of it is in the work— go to the gym, workout, eat healthy, do all the things that make you healthier and prolong your life.
no matter how hard you work though, some things are unavoidable. you just cant exercise your way into a small nose, or perfect eyes, or a pretty smile. you’re born with the genetics or youre not. and i wont lie, my nose bothers me enough that i would genuinely consider getting a nose job.
i know that most people dont notice. but i notice. my face doesnt feel like mine some days. i feel this utter confidence underneath but as soon as i look in the mirror i come crashing back to reality. isn’t that sad to say? to believe that you’re not good looking enough?
the thing is, i think if it never existed i would live with it just fine, its not something that i need to impress others. my very nature though is that of a perfectionist, and while ill never be perfect i like to draw on the aesthetics of things that are perfect.
validation from others is nice too. i want people to say im pretty. im lucky enough to have people think that already, but whats the point? i dont really believe it. thats the biggest hindrance! i dont believe that i look good, thats why i get shy about making eye contact and why i stare off into the distance when i talk. well some of it is i get lost in genuine thought, but a good amount of it is also just that i cant stand the thought of what the other person might be thinking while they look at me.
the crazy thing is that they’re probably not thinking a whole lot about the way i look anyway. im still conscious of it though.
anyway, happy 69th post. shoulda done something funny or something but that’s what i’ve had on my mind as of late for this one thing.
69 - 05/27/2025