how to decline requests
i saw this thing today, it really made me think. there’s a right and a wrong way to turn people down.
suppose someone invites you out to dinner.
you could say “that sounds awesome but i can’t, sorry”.
or you could say “i can’t. but that sounds lovely”.
isn’t that insane? when you lead with the denial and follow with the gratitude you can end the conversation well. when you lead with the thank you and then follow with the “but”, you disregard everything you said before. its the recency bias in full effect.
and so my question today is this: what other habits, if done just a little differently, would make a big difference in the way people perceive me? what could i do to make my words more meaningful? hmm i guess i could ask chatgpt. let’s see.
okay these seem a little silly although i get the value:
1) swapping “i have to” with “i get to”. it shows gratitude and people feel that energy.
2) asking a question that ends in reflection, not opinion. so for example, saying “dont you think that’s wrong?” to “how do you see it? im curious”. you show that you care more about understanding than winning. it also shows a willingness to accept someones opinion, rather than showing a preference for an answer.
3) pausing before responding, it shows that you’re really internalizing what the other person said.
4) name feelings instead of masking them with logic. “im feeling hesitant about this, and here’s why…”
5) be specific in your praise. people remember how you make them feel. “you did a great job today” vs “the way you handled that question with calm and clarity really stood out”
6) affirm without disclaimers. rather than “maybe this is dumb, but i was thinking…” do something like “here’s a thought i had, curious what you think.” qualifiers undercut your voice.
these tiny shifts- tone, order, intention— shape how others experience you. you’re not changing the core message, you’re changing the music of it.
ill have to implement these in my every day life.
59 - 05/17/2025